My first thought on being asked to write about my ( or anyone else's) relationship to hope, was “erm, I’ve never really thought about it as a relationship”!
After a slight pause I took up the challenge and here are the results…
I thought back to when I first remember being hopeful about anything. I discovered that it was when I first became interested in having some sort of relationship. I started off hoping the girls I liked would like me, but what I failed to notice was when someone I met indicated that they did. I tended only to notice when someone I liked liked me back.
As I headed into adulthood and got my first job in forestry . working for an estate in Scarborough, a couple of my male friends would occasionally point out ( after the event sadly! ) that I girl I’d been chatting to ( eg the nurse who stitched my arm after a very embarrassing accident with a weeding hook), had been chatting me up and indicated she’d like to see me again … I never noticed.
I believe this is down to my view of myself, at that time and to a lesser extent as I grew older, (though not necessarily more mature!) I saw myself as not particularly attractive or intelligent, or worth knowing. My ambitions, apart from playing cricket and football were low and I lived pretty much from day-to-day.
I worked in 2 manual jobs on Yorkshire estates, where it gradually began to dawn on me that I had royally messed up my school career and was, in fact, capable of much more both physically, mentally and emotionally.
This bombshell dropped, along with the other one; that all my forest worker colleagues were better at something than I was. One, who I initially thought was “ a penny short of a shilling” was actually an expert stockman, who could tell by instinct if anything was wrong with his cattle. Another was an expert in Victorian glassware. The realisation that these men had intellectual depth that I was unaware of and, at that time, couldn’t compete with, was life changing.
So with this insight gained from some very tolerant and lovely colleagues, I began to look forward and re-set. I allowed myself to begin to hope for something different in my future, and as a result began to plan a route forwards and upwards.
The plan was to get into a job that would allow me to move forward and eventually into management, to settle down and have children. I was now able to quieten the critic on my shoulder and look at what I could possibly do. I began to understand that I was, for the most part, pleasant company and nice to people that I cared about. Realising I was liked by a girl I’d really fancied at school, led me to make sure she knew I felt the same. Eventually, to my surprise she agreed to marry me!
So a bit of a turn round. This confidence and secure base allowed me to hope for and look at a change in career path.
I applied for a job with the Forestry Commission, because they had a reputation for supporting and training their staff, and to my surprise was immediately asked to attend an interview in York. I got the job and was employed as a forest craftsman, trained to use power tools and drive tractors. There was a squad of 4 all in our 20’s, we all trained and learned skills together.
Eventually I was given responsibility for the management of the squad, which annoyed the guy who thought he was the leader, and he tried to sabotage and undermine me. 3 years before, I’d have got angry, sullen and caved in. But I persisted gently, the confidence for which came from my realising that my bosses valued me and that I was on a path that was yielding good results.
So hope enabled me to aim for and look forward to a different reality, and gave me the patience to learn how to manage difficult circumstances.
This grounding meant that I learned to re-appraise my abilities and my skills set. Both as a parent (and later a single parent of 2 primary age kids), which can seriously expose you, as a friend and a professional, from Harvesting and Marketing manager, to Change manager and via Education and Communities manager to finally being National Forest School Co-Ordinator for Scotland.
In learning to believe in myself and re-assess as I progressed, I could look further forwards and outwards to develop who or what I wanted to be and where I wanted to go. I could look forward and see outcomes to aim for … and generally I achieved them, most by design, but some by accident!
I developed a knack of being in the right place at the right time, both for the FC jobs and then for my counselling training and eventual move to Shropshire.
I was thinking last night about types or categories of hope and I came up with these
Planning
Adversity
Opportunity
Audacity ( eg Barak Obama)
You may well find more ….
Planning
Allowing myself to look forward constructively towards a hoped for goal, in achievable steps in a SMARTer way. A number of people forget the er!
Specific
Measured
Achievable
Realistic
Timed
evaluate
review
Adversity
My first experience of hope in adversity happened when we were broke, 2 kids, dilapidated car, no savings, working 7 days a week. I’d ‘failed’ as a ‘provider’ in my head.
My wife and I sat down one weekend and looked at our skill sets. We refocussed our hopes and paths. She began teacher training, and I began management training. For me the hope and aim was 3 promotion steps, for her it was to become a maths teacher. It helped that we had begun from the bottom, and realised we didn’t want that to be our future. We dared to look ahead 1,2 and 5 years, and set our hopes and dreams on that.
We both achieved. For Kate and the kids it meant moving when I got promoted, but Maths teachers are much in demand both in England, and in Scotland where we ended up, so not too difficult apart from the emotional upheaval of leaving places and friends we loved.
Once we’d got to Scotland and looked back at where we’d come from, we realised that we could set out new hopes and keep a secure base for the kids, which we maintained after our eventual divorce. Whilst we were now separate, we still had the same hopes for the kids and worked hard together to deliver that for them, which I think we did!
Thoughts..
How have you found or kept hope in adverse circumstances?
Remember back to difficult times that you’ve had and allow yourself to recall whether there was a flicker of hope that burnt through the dark, inspiring you to keep going. Start something. Change something.
Remembering these times and reminding yourself that you have made it through tough stuff in the past, can be very reassuring at strange times like these.
Opportunity
A memory of what I call ‘Opportunity Hope’ happened as a single parent, with 2 kids aged 10 and 8. I couldn't work massively long hours because during the week childcare fell to me. Fortunately, in the beginning, the district office I was based in was in the same compound as the bungalow we lived in. Eventually, when we moved to a flat in the local village, I realised that most of my kids friends mums were sympathetic (and not too sure of my parenting abilities!) and would be happy to let the kids go to their houses until I got home in the evenings. So that helped a lot.
Although that did lead to my youngest coming home one day to say he was leaving because his mate’s mum was SO much nicer to him than I was!! I let him get 200 yards before I ran after him. He hurtled back home as soon as I caught him up. He hadn’t expected me to say ok and I hadn’t expected him to do it!
As a result I took a look at my priorities, and realised that Jonny had a point, and I was, to some extent, wrapping the kids lives round my job rather than the other was round. I refocussed on what I wanted in my career, and how I saw it developing and how to fit it around my kids. It made me look at what opportunities were possible, within my circumstances.
Just after the ‘runaway reassessment!', I found and took a place on a facilitators course, and a negotiators course. I did this because I was becoming interested in psychology, and improving my interpersonal skills. I got the courses as a reward for covering for 3 months for my line manager, getting a commendation from the regional harvesting manager for how I approached and delivered it.
Shortly after this I began training as a counsellor with Couple Counselling Scotland, the Scottish version of Relate. They interviewed me and because I’d done the courses I could show I’d got an interest and an understanding of myself and others they gave me a training placement.
Also as a result of the re assessment, I asked for a career development secondment. Although my fellow managers are now all senior manager in the FC, I asked for the chance and luckily because I was more experienced, got first go.
I had allowed myself to visualise how I would do it before the chance came, and set the goal, allowing myself to hope for the opportunity. I believed in myself, visualised it and it happened.
I was teamed up with the Change Management dept, (they were looking for a facilitator) based in the Edinburgh HQ of the Forestry Commission.
The Change Management team was just beginning to work on changing the whole organization from a hierarchy to a team based system. It was very interesting and I worked with a trainer who was a psychologist and the best trainer I have ever worked with. I learned so much from him.
As a result of my counselling training, and consequent understanding of change, I was given much more opportunity to deliver the change management training, under the mentoring eye of the lead trainer.
Whilst I was in HQ, my reputation as someone who could deliver targets was noticed and I was asked to be Forest School co Ordinator, for Scotland. I had FC colleagues similar roles in England and Wales. We worked together with me leading to facilitate and coordinate the forest school leaders in GB (a very disparate group) and get support and agreement from them to form a national body, which became the Forest School Association. It was a great way to end my career. I owe a lot to my district manager who understood me, realised I was a bit maverick but very handy to have around to steady the ship, and convinced a lot of FC senior managers that I was worth listening to.
Thoughts …
If Jonny hadn’t done what he did I doubt that much of the above would have happened until much later in my career, if at all. I also put in place regular reviews of family and job.
I realised that if I was interested in something It was worth trying it out. I had some idea of where I wanted to go, but did not anticipate how they would eventually all combine to get me to the Forest School job, and further ( see Audacity) but looking back I can see the path and how it began with the Jonny inspired re appraisal.
What is happening at the moment that inspires you to look at your life from a new perspective?
What opportunities could exist for you to explore something new?
If there was one new door of opportunity that you could open right now, what would it lead to?
Audacity
After the Forest School Association was established, I realised that I wanted to take a career break. As I’d retrained as a facilitator and then a counsellor and felt that I’d built myself options from the opportunities that were presented to me. Through my learning about hope in adversity I had made a life-long commitment to keep my eyes open (and my heart and mind too!) and to notice when opportunities presented themselves.
Because of this I allowed myself to see a different path for my family and I. My children by now were autonomous adults with their own lives and careers. I had got close to the English Forest School Co Ordinator and we realised we’d like to live together. So I now looked at how I/we could live together in England, working as a child and family therapist. I made enquiries in Shropshire and luckily Relate were looking for Family Therapists so I moved.
At that age (51), to have the audacity to hope for a change of career seemed scary, but I think the timing of my request for a career break to my District manager, whilst it took his breath away at first, actually came at a time when he was trying to figure (unbeknownst to me), how to reduce his staffing levels.
I took a 2 year career break, working with Relate in Shropshire, building my reputation as a therapist, and when Relate Shropshire went bust in 2015, the schools I was working in took me on privately. My district boss in Scotland offered me early retirement at 55 on full pension, partly because there was no job for me to go back to, but he said his main reason was because I’d earned it and it was payback ( I cried then, as I am now, remembering his words).
I still live in Shropshire, working in schools and private practice.
I believe that allowing myself to hope, and thus visualise a path, beginning small scale in my second job, and then on a much larger scale, revising my vision and hope for myself and my family from a fairly low point, has allowed me to adapt and adjust to changes inside and outside my control.
Without allowing myself to hope, and be audacious enough to take calculated risk, I doubt I’d be where I am now, a very happy grandparent of 3, living in my own flat, in a lovely development, working when I choose. I have a lovely partner, friends and family who keep my feet very firmly grounded.
With hope as a firm friend whose hand I hold while navigating the uncertainties of life, I have cultivated a secure base to hope and plan from, for many many years to come.
Thoughts…
What could you dare to hope for?
Be as audacious as you can for a moment. Allow your desires and dreams to form in your mind and heart.
Now let yourself believe that with these hopes held firmly in your sights and a realistic plan of action, you could take the steps towards making your hopes a reality.
It might feel scary, indeed, it would be surprising if it didn’t, but don’t stop believing it’s the right path.
